new year's is afoot

Wow. This blog has been woefully neglected. Admittedly, I haven't been very focused the past few years. My sister died in 2007 before christmas. And I miss her terribly...and it's been very hard to wrap my brain around not having her here in the flesh and readjusting to my life without a sister. I am an only child now...but her memory and her life and laughter are so palpable to me, sometimes it doesn't seem like her death was a clean break. The memory of her spirit around me and my family is that strong. And so very much feel a transitioning within me is occurring. I'm feeling her presence and almost dreams and aspirations in my heart and I know that she would want me to follow my dreams and live life to the fullest...to experience things that she wasn't able to in her short 33 years.

So for the past two years, things have been heavy. I took in a dog, I bought a house, I published a book of poetry and well, I had to actively cut out a few people I was very close to because at the end of the day...I realized that my definition of fellowship appeared radically different from how they viewed it. And so out of the darkness...brings light.


After a long hiatus/hibernation
I'm starting to come out of /get into it
Awakening/reawakening

AND I'm dreaming again of living in Paris, untethered to what a usual day to day would be for me here. I want to write to my heart's content and not have to call out sick or whatever to do it.

I just want to thank some people I don't even know for renewing the spark....I came across some really cool blogs by some black expats in europe and all of the hairs on my body stood on end. For now I'm going to live vicariously through these strangers' blog postings but mark my words...I'm getting out of here soon...

Hope you have a good new year and that all of your dreams come true.

Resolution: To post every day in the month of January

tell me it's not

what it looks like, what I'm thinking
but I know because my gut has said
that it's so. I wish it could tell me something
different. I wish I could help you out. But I can't.
saving myself this time. I don't think we can do
what we set out to. I know we can't. These are the words.
of defeat. Always until they are gone from my vocabulary.

unhardwire, disconnect

how do you shut down the past. Disconnect. Eliminate the painful things hardwired into your brain from the past? How do you let go of your first love...when his life is uploaded and captioned on your friends list. His wedding in the tropics where everyone is smiling and me looking at the scene from my pixeled window?

I see now what didn't happen and it feels like a door just slammed in my face.

Newspaper Rock -- Where Native America Meets Pop Culture

Newspaper Rock -- Where Native America Meets Pop Culture

I will tell you something

I will tell you something about

time and space, that I've never admitted to anyone.
It is all one in the same.

I move this way, you bend back like the night.
You move that way, I yearn for ya like the dawn.

I won't tell you the innermost of the outermost.
But I will give you what's within.
Posterity is ill-formed and misguided.

Give me truth and honesty in all the pain
it sometimes causes, and I'll heave back at you
the most beautiful thing that ever did live: reality.

It is your innermost that radiates the beautiful
ugly truth. Your real thoughts illuminate your
path. Choose wisely. Will you worry or will you
eminate how things really go down.

-Listen well, the Universe is talking to you.

_ElleWilla_ © 2007

A message from the Universe

You are not on earth to make things happen. You are not on earth to spread the love. You are not on earth to make it a better place or to learn acceptance of the things you cannot change. You are not on earth to find your soul mate or your purpose. You are not on earth to put the needs of others before your own. And you are most certainly not on earth to suffer, pay penance, be tested, or judged.
Did I leave anything out?
You are on earth because in your loftiest state of being, perched high above the wonderment, at the pinnacle of your glory, you wondered what it would be like, even fleetingly, to believe in limits.

Your sage - The Universe..>

P.S. And when you can grasp this from within the illusions, you will also grasp how unlimited you truly are. (And we'll probably never hear the end of it...)

why are we here

why are we here, but to question

our earth, our existence, our reality

the ghosts are full here
abound
aplenty

the past robust
brimming with flavor
of both sweet and sour memories

why are we here but to question

our existence
our past
our remedies